The other day a friend of mine was telling me about his back-pain woes.
You know that whole “straw that broke the camel’s back” thing where your back behaves totally awesome one second and then the next you bend slightly to scoop a cup of ice out of the MacDonald’s ice bin and suddenly those 2 ounces of ice in the stupid cup feel like you’re picking up an elephant while it stabs you in the back with a machete?
Totally happened to me once.
I also pinched a nerve in my neck one day when I woke up because I THOUGHT about moving.
I swear to God I don’t make this shit up.
My head was lying comfortably on my pillow and I literally woke up and turned my eyeballs to the right and BANG! Instantly pinched a nerve so badly that I was physically stuck in bed, crying in agony.
Now let me clarify for you here…I have suffered from debilitating migraines and excruciating sciatica for more than half my life. I’m totally used to pain and have an exceedingly high tolerance for that crap.
I have also painfully pinched nerves in my neck, shoulder and back multiple times in my life, but this pain was unlike any other. I honestly couldn’t move my neck AT ALL without feeling like it had been almost completely severed and would tear that final, painful inch and fall to the ground with a dull thud, rendering me headless and…well…dead I suppose.
I had to yell to my sleeping teenager to come help me so that I could go pee (which at that point was becoming an absolute necessity).
She had to hold my head still while I gently tried to pull myself up on her arm because I absolutely couldn’t tense my neck or body in any way without agonizing pain shooting through me.
For those of you who have ohhhh I don’t know…MOVED IN ANY FRIGGING WAY, you know there’s no way to get out of bed without tensing your neck.
It took about five minutes of complete torture to get into an upright position and I was crying in agony the entire time.
And oh my lanta, you also use neck muscles to cry!
I firmly believe I must have offended God in some way the night before and that he was just sitting there completely pissed with an invisible, God-knife stuck in my neck as punishment.
There’s no other plausible explanation.
I spent the next week on the strongest muscle relaxants the doc could legitimately prescribe and an actual to God neck brace because I had screwed up my neck THAT badly…by thinking of getting out of bed. Further proof I should work from bed permanently.
So anyway, back to my friend with the back pain.
He lifted a feather or something ridiculous like that and his back promptly rebelled, causing him to instantly transform into an old man, hunched over in pain.
After dealing with the pain for a few hours, he decided he absolutely had to take a dump.
Apart from the obvious pain ‘moving to a sitting position’ would cause, he felt sure he’d be able to accomplish the task of pooing once comfortably seated, reasoning that he could simply hunch over and relax while his pooper did its job.
Alas, this was not to be.
After the five full minutes it took for him to lower his six foot body into the proper pooping position, he did his best to relax and let gravity do its job.
I’m not normally one for listening to or even thinking about other people’s gross bodily functions – even boyfriend isn’t allowed to fart ANYWHERE in my vicinity – but the exuberance with which my friend described in detail his harrowing experience had me completely in tears.
Here’s how his story went:
I was sitting there, trying my best not to move any muscle in my entire body. I had one arm propped on the sink beside me and the other on the edge of the bathtub. I could feel the first bit of shit start to poke its head out and was thinking “Ok, this isn’t so bad.”
That lasted about two seconds because my back muscles decided it was all happening far too slowly and generously started to help against my will.
Do you know what happens when something is coming out a tube and all of a sudden there’s a spasm? THAT SHIT TURNS TAIL AND RACES RIGHT BACK UP THE FUCKING TUBE, THAT’S WHAT HAPPENS!!! I COULDN’T SHIT FOR THREE FUCKING DAYS!!!
I swear to God I have the most awesome friends ever! I am constantly amused.
Just wait until I tell you about his prostate exam!
Did you know I write books too? Below are the digital links. Happy reading!!! 🙂