Alright so I bought one of those shopping carts from Safeway that’s meant to get stuff from your car to your apartment.
Here’s the thing about this particular cart. The font wheels are smaller than the back ones so the cart actually angles forward slightly. This means that if you bump something like a carpet edge or something like that while pushing it from behind the way you would push a normal cart, it tips forward.
Who the hell thought this was a good idea?!?!
Someone was obviously intent on killing little old ladies when they thought this shit up.
I’ve had this stupid cart for a few months now so one would think I’d be super careful about it…and normally I am.
Whenever I use it for groceries or laundry I go slowly so that when it does do its stupid ‘I’m-going-to-try-to-kill-you’ thing, I am ready for it.
Because of this cautiousness, I never tripped over it…until yesterday!
I had about 10 loads of laundry to do because my darling children thought it would be fun to put their dirty laundry in their toy boxes or back into their dresser draws when I demand they clean their room.
I think they’re really trying to see how much I can take before completely snapping.
So there I was walking back from the laundry room with my oldest daughter (who thankfully does her own laundry). I had my shopping cart death trap piled way too high because walking back for a second load seemed like it would take far more energy than I could spare after spending hours sorting the kids toys and cleaning their room.
I literally couldn’t even see over the top of the laundry baskets.
For some odd reason, there were about six people sitting on benches in the normally empty lobby that I had to walk through to get back to my apartment.
My daughter was walking ahead of me with her own laundry basket, and as I entered the lobby, my stupid crap-cart hit the rubber edge of the carpet where it ended and the tiled floor began.
It had apparently decided that since everyone and their dog was watching and I had laundry baskets piled to the frigging ceiling…it would be the perfect time to try and kill me.
When shit happens, I tend to experience it in slow motion which comes in handy in emergencies. All of the following happened in like 10 seconds:
- Dumb-ass tiny front wheels of cart hit rubber edge
- Stupid idiotic cart that has ten thousand loads of laundry piled on top of it tips forward precariously
- I see this shit happening and reach out to grab a towering laundry basket
- Miss said basket because the Universe thought it would be a good day to fuck with me
- Watch my once clean laundry make its way to the dirty lobby floor
- Realize that I’ve lost my balance and jump to one side of the cart
- Look up quickly and see my daughter bent at the waist against the far wall…laughing her ass off!
- Realize I’m still off balance and fucked
- Prance over to the other side of the cart like a ninja, landing with one foot on the ground and the other in the air (because it’s a big frigging cart)
- Look around and see EVERYONE with shocked looks on their faces as they wait for the inevitable (except my daughter who is an unhealthy shade of red because she’s now laughing so bloody hard she can’t even breathe)
- Suddenly understand that no matter how hard I try…this situation will not end well
- Manage to hop around oddly and get my raised foot to the other side of the cart before falling on my butt on top of the downed cart facing the child I was strongly considering disowning
- Take a breath while desperately trying to think of something witty to say
- Blurt out, “Well at least I stayed upright!”
- Studiously avoid all eye contact as I pick up my laundry WITHOUT MY DAUGHTERS HELP BECAUSE SHE’S STILL…LAUGHING…HER…ASS…OFF!!!
- Start giggling like an idiot as I pick my shit up because I’m replaying the events in my head and know without a doubt that the entire episode looked freaking hilarious!!!
I woke up today with multiple bruises and scrapes on both legs from hitting and scraping them on the metal cart as I jumped around it like an idiot, and I still randomly catch myself giggling when the image of my cart-dance pops into my head.
Ah well, at least I’m one of those people who can laugh at themselves…repeatedly!!!