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So on Monday I decided to try to make this chip dip thing that boyfriend’s parents make when we go over for Sunday suppers. It basically consists of white onion, tomatoes, and Serrano peppers. Pretty simple.

Normally I hate raw onions. The only way I can stand them is on McDonald’s hamburgers when they are cut up really small and mixed in with ketchup.

burger onion JPG

Then I actually really like the taste. Other than that I find them vile and disgusting implements of torture.

My enjoyment of this Mexican chip dip completely baffles me considering it has so much raw onion in it.

Yesterday, boyfriend was working and I was out with my girls shopping when I decided that I’d make this wonderful dip for him as a treat that night, you know…to be a great girlfriend or whatever.

I bought the required ingredients and went about cutting them up; first was the onion.

I don’t know about you, but I completely avoid onion cutting like it’s the plague sent from hell to destroy me. First of all that horrible smell likes to soak into my fingers.

I wanna cut you onion, not use you as perfume!

Secondly, I cry like the world’s ending when that shit hits my eyeballs. There’s no need for that kind of abuse!!!

This is why, in my wisdom, I decided to use my food processor to chop that evilness up.

The one problem with my awesome food processor is that I can’t control how small it chops. You are either left with 1/3 huge chunks while the rest is fine, or 1 huge chunk and the rest shredded to smithereens.

In an effort to avoid chopping them manually, I opted for smithereens.

The one thing I didn’t plan on, was that when I opened the food processor and started to spoon the onions into my dish, the frigging thing engulfed me in onion stench causing me to cry so hard I could barely see what I was doing.

onion laughing at girl JPG

Well at least my hands were smelling ok still.

So now I had  ridiculously tiny pieces of onion ready to go. I vaguely wondered if that was a mistake since boyfriends parents tend to chop everything by hand so maybe that meant less onions in each bite???? Naaaah!

On I went to do the same thing to the tomatoes. I tested one in the food processor and quickly came to the conclusion that it wasn’t as easy to chop tomatoes cuz they kind of just…squish.

This left me with having to chop those suckers up myself. Not as bad as chopping onions, but I have neither the time nor patience to cook so this whole ‘being an awesome girlfriend’ thing was really starting to wear thin.

Once my tomatoes were done I moved on to the Serrano peppers. These little guys are not too hot but do have a nice flavor and a small amount of heat. I quickly touched the inside of one and waited a moment to see if it would burn my fingers. When nothing happened, I continued cutting, happily confident that my digits were safe.

My youngest, Lexi, was drifting around the kitchen while I worked, asking for tastes of stuff. Finally she pulled out a red sweet pepper from the fridge and asked me to cut it up. She’s one of those unusual kids who actually loves lots of different veges and foods most kids would run screaming from. She has always loved green, red & yellow peppers and eats them raw, so I obligingly moved my half-cut Serrano peppers aside, sliced up her red sweet peppers, and dumped them back into the container for her to munch on.

Within a few seconds she was waving her hand in front of her mouth with an alarmed look and a panicked, “It’s spicy mommy!”

Frowning, I looked at her bowl trying to figure out why they would be hot.

I looked at my cutting board while pondering this mystery some more while she was fanning her mouth and hopping around the kitchen being goofy <– or so I assumed.

My eyes trailed to the Serrano peppers I had just been cutting up on a wet board, and I suddenly realized my poor six year old was eating red sweet peppers soaked in Serrano pepper water.

pepper soaked pepper JPG

Aaaaaahhhhh!!!

I grabbed her a glass of milk, apologizing profusely, then washed her peppers off in the sink before coaxing her to try again.

She grabbed her container, gave me an accusing frown, then stomped away to eat in the living room, leaving me to feel horrible.

Yeah sure I giggled hysterically for like five minutes after, but I honestly did feel kinda bad too.

So anyway, there I was faced with these peppers that I needed to get the seeds out of. Serrano’s look like a long skinny cousin to jalapeno’s. I cut them in half, then used my nail and fingers to scratch the seeds out of them in a long swipe. I cut up four peppers in total which means I did this 8 times…one for each half.

Now let me explain here that I’ve NEVER cut up peppers in my entire life despite the fact that I’m from the Caribbean and we Trini’s LOVE pepper in everything we eat.

Mine always comes from a bottle.

So here I am, trying to be the worlds most awesome girlfriend, dissecting peppers for boyfriends movie snack, thinking nothing of it.

Once I was done, I put all the ingredients together, mixed it up with a bit of salt and pepper, then grabbed a Tostito chip and scooped me up a huge bite.

I was expecting delicious…I got ONION and almost died.

Boyfriend had come home already and also tried some and agreed that it was pretty much just ONION!!!

He asked why I chopped them up so small and I basically glared at him and said, “It was faster…duhhhh!”

I sat staring at the bowl in sad confusion before he decided that maybe it just needed more tomatoes.

I added like three more.

Again…ONION!

WTF?!?!

I have to say he is a sweetheart and did attempt to down about six or so bites of it while we were playing Trivial Pursuit…either hoping I wouldn’t cry out of frustration, or praying it would suddenly become less toxic.

I think he felt like he could comfortably give up without fear of a scene after he saw the disgusted faces I made after each of my own bites. Pretty soon we just kind of didn’t take any more and quietly moved on with life, avoiding all discussion of my failure as an onion dip snack-making-chef.

I think next time I’m at his parents place I’m going to take pictures of their dip so that I can mimic how mine should look in regards to the proportions of each ingredient. And I suppose I’ll have to chop the damn onion by hand too ugh.

Oh, interesting little side note…do you remember that part about me scraping the seeds out of that innocent looking pepper? Well…it turns out that sometimes the crazy insane burning pain of peppers take a while to happen after you get it onto your skin and gets much worse from contact with water.

Owie fingers JPG

Seriously? Why isn’t there some kind of a warning on the package or something. Holy OUCH!!!

One last thing…I strongly recommend you DO NOT RUB YOUR EYES WITH PEPPER FINGERS!!! Good God have mercy I felt as if all the demons from hell were swimming in my left eyeball!!!

onion eyes JPG

I don’t often have culinary attempts that end badly since I’m generally pretty lucky in that area despite trying to catch things on fire, but this one I can honestly say…SUCKED!!!

 

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 Posted on : March 17, 2015

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