The other day I went through my usual routine of waking up and going to pee before getting my coffee ready.
As soon as I sat down bleary-eyed, I noticed an itsy bitsy teeny weenie spider on the bathroom counter. I’m pretty sure I’ve never seen one as tiny as this little guy in my life.
The problem is that I really don’t like spiders, and I knew if I let this one live, it would most definitely start immediately making its tiny way to my bed in order to try snuggling with me that night, or even worse, it would crawl into my nose, mouth, or ears in search of a nice warm place to lay its evil spider babies and then I would have to face the fact that I was dying because a gagillion teeny spiders were ravenously eating me from the inside out.
No thank you.
I kept a very good eye on the little thing while I peed, and as soon as I got up, I grabbed a handful of toilet paper to squish it with because there was no way in hell I was getting teeny tiny spider guts on my hand *shudder*
I stood over the little guy for a good minute fighting with myself because it was so incredibly adorable, but eventually I knew it had to go because finding it in my bed later that night was definitely not an option, and it was too tiny to pick up anyway without squishing.
With a heavy heart I slowly moved toward it with the toilet paper, but just as I was about to squish it, THE MOTHER F**KER JUMPED FIFTY FEET IN THE FRIGGING AIR LIKE IT WAS PART OF CIRQUE DU SOLEIL!!!
My brain immediately switched from guilt-ridden concern, to KILL MODE!!! Panic erased every single thought I owned except one. The entire world ceased to exist and my only thought was MURDER THE HUGE F**KING MONSTER SPIDER OR MY ENTIRE FAMILY WOULD DIE A HORRIBLE TRAGIC DEATH!!!
The frigging thing escaped my murderous, scream-filled attempts to end its life at least six times, and each time the frigging Godzilla-spider jumped, I literally almost had heart failure on the spot and got even more panicked because I KNEW the little asshole was going to jump onto my hand, race up my arm at the speed of light, jump into my open, screaming mouth, slide down my throat like some kind of ninja-spider, and IMMEDIATELY lay 1.2 gagillion baby ninja, me-eating spiders in my stomach!
NO F**KING WAY THAT KIND OF SHIT WAS GOING ON!
I let out an amazon warrior scream and continued to attack the little shit until it finally screwed up and landed right under the descending toilet paper of death.
Of course I immediately screamed again and yanked my hand away just in case it was all part of its evil plan to lull me into a sense of calm while slowly making its way out of the tp and onto my hand.
When a minute went by and nothing limped out, I cautiously reached out and flicked the tp over.
Stuck to the bottom was one of the teeniest little squish marks ever. I’m not even sure how Godzilla-spider shrunk to end up looking so itty bitty, but by some miracle it did. You know those movies where the big monster dies and morphs back into whatever it originally started out as? This was most definitely the case here because no word of a lie, while I was fighting for my very life, that damn thing had taken on monstrous proportions and was even bigger than me at one point.
Looks like I get to live another day free of man-eating stomach-spiders 🙂
- I created products in my new Zazzle store. I’ll be adding new products every week; some will have to do with my blog and some are just because I felt like making random stuff 🙂
- I also finally finished this new and improved blog site. Yay me!