This morning on the bus, there was a girl putting mascara on while holding a Robin’s Donuts cup of coffee between her knees and looking into the side of her mascara container…which I could only assume held a sliver of mirror.
Two things immediately stuck out here; firstly…she hadn’t drunk her coffee yet so she was totally doing this miraculous feat first thing in the bloody morning…without caffeine!
What do you mean some people have the ability to function in the morning?
I was immediately awed.
Secondly…she was holding a stabby object perilously close to her eyeball ON A MOVING BUS!
This turned my extreme awe into pure unadulterated amazement!
I kept glancing at her the way one would keep looking at the horrific remains of a traffic accident scene, and was completely confident that there was no way she would catch me looking while occupied with this eyeball-threatening endeavour.
I was wrong!
Ok let me explain exactly how amazing this girl was:
She couldn’t have been older than twenty five, yet was already so skilled at moving-vehicle-makeup-application that she not only still owned both sets of un-punctured eyeballs, but her mascara was NOT all over her face like a child’s first smudgy drawing.
If this had been me, not only would at least one of my eyeballs be rolling merrily around the bus floor causing a bus zombie feeding frenzie…and not only would I have already accidentally marascara-wand-stabbed at least three people during the application process…but my face would have totally looked like something out of a Tim Burton movie.
About ten minutes into the ride, the girl decided to stun me even more by pulling out eye-liner.
Now one would think by this point that nothing this girl did would shock me anymore, but…wait for it…it was liquid fucking eyeliner!!!
I’m not even kidding! LIQUID EYELINER ON A MOVING BUS!!!
I sat there for a moment thinking she was going to suddenly look up and say, “Haha just shitting you! It’s liquid liner morons…who the hell could put that crap on in a moving vehicle?!?!”
Well SHE could people! SHE TOTALLY COULD!!!
No word of a lie, this chick whipped out her paintbrush-from-hell and proceeded to professionally run that shit along her eyelids like there was no tomorrow.
It was perfect!
As I held on to the shaking, bouncing bus for dear life, barely able to remain on two feet while this chick practically did micro surgery on her eyeball, I looked around at the other passengers and saw with amusement that no less than five of them were also staring at her in utter awe; some even with their mouths open, unconsciously mimicking her face as she applied her makeup while no doubt keeping their own heads as still as possible so she didn’t ruin it.
I honestly couldn’t even come anywhere close to doing what this girl accomplished today, even standing on solid ground with my elbows braced on the bathroom counter, I would have still come out looking like a freaking demented raccoon from hell.
MAKEUP KUNG-FOO BUS GIRL!
I don’t normally get this blown away by random strange events, but makeup-kung-foo-bus-girl…you have officially amazed the crap out of me!!!