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So I’m pretty sure I was involved in a threesome on my bus ride home today.

What on earth is it with people thinking the bus is their own personal space?

The pick their noses, scratch their privates, smell, fart, and basically try their best to make me vomit on a daily basis. I’m not sure how much more of this I can handle.

Today’s experience was by far one of the most disturbing.

I got on my bus to go home, and picked the least scary person to sit next to. It was a man with a short’ish beard who looked like he was maybe in his late forties…in an older late forties kinda way.

He was reading something and seemed to be doing his best to ignore everyone so I decided he was perfect and quickly sat beside him while putting my earphones in so that everyone would be extremely aware that I did not want to even think about talking to them for any reason in the entire world.

Everything was going well until about five minutes later when someone sat down in a recently vacated seat behind beard-guy and squeezed his shoulder.

He looked back and smiled and the woman leaned to his far side and they talked a bit.

Naturally I couldn’t listen in on their conversation because I was too busy trying to ignore everyone in the world. My music was just loud enough to mute all bus noises, but not so loud that a screaming psycho could sneak up on me with a hammer and bash me to death.

Yeah I have bus issues.

So anyway, I pretended to ignore beard-guy and back-seat-woman, but because I’m so hyper aware on the bus in case someone decides to randomly attack me or pick their nose a smidge too close to me, I noticed out of the side of my eye that the woman had her hand on the back of beard-guy’s neck.

Now at this point I naturally assumed that maybe she was his wife or girlfriend.

After another sneaky survey, I noticed movement and realized she was running her fingers along his neck, using her nails.

WFT???

Are you serious back-seat-woman??? No! Stop!

I sat in my seat even stiffer than before because I suddenly realized that beard-guy had lowered his reading material to his lap…probably to cover his happiness.

He must have been roughly 6’ tall, so he took up a smidge more than his half of our shared accommodations, which meant his arm was touching mine.

I have never felt so incredibly dirty by simply sitting beside someone in my entire life.

I mean really…they could have at least bought me dinner first! Even a cracker or two would have sufficed at that point.

This went on for a good ten minutes before the bus driver stood up at a stop and turned to face everyone.

I immediately went red and wondered how the hell he had seen everything from all the way up front and was completely prepared to defend my innocence.

Suddenly he started rattling off that there was a detour (of course I hadn’t heard this announcement on the bus radio because I had my earphones in) and that we’d be delayed a bit.

Wonderful! Now I got to sit next to my own personal porn movie even longer!

Gah!!!

Now here’s my question…did back-seat-woman not realize that EVERYONE BEHIND AND BESIDE HER COULD SEE EXACTLY WHAT SHE WAS DOING????

Let me explain what made this situation even more enjoyable.

Beard-guy shifted in his seat.

I closed my eyes and let out a soft sigh of defeat as I attempted to invisibly inch over slightly. Touching beard-guy’s arm while he was obviously in a happy state and getting even happier was just far too disturbing for words. Maybe if I knew the guy in any way it wouldn’t have been so mentally damaging, but he was a freaking stranger!!!

Two stops before mine, I heard something that sounded like talking close to my ear and I’m sure a horrified looked crossed my face until I realized it was back-seat-woman saying something to beard-guy.

I sneakily clicked off my music just in time to hear back-seat-woman say, “Come on,” in a slightly sexy’ish way.

He looked behind him, smiled, then looked at me and asked if I could let him out of his seat.

Oh dear God seriously??? Was this the first frigging time they were getting together??? Did they even know each other???

I got up and stood aside in a way that allowed me to see who back-seat-woman was.

She looked younger than him by about fifteen years, and was wearing a wedding ring…he was not.

They got off the bus together and walked about two feet apart, being careful not to touch.

Is it bad that my first thought was, ‘Hey that would make a great story!’ when I realized that I might have just witnessed the beginning of an illicit affair that may or may not have started between two complete strangers on a bus?

It took me about an hour to de-gross myself once I got home, and I have firmly decided that from now on I must choose my seat-mates MUCH more carefully or God knows what kind of orgy I’ll find myself in next time.

I wonder if I can quit my job and claim long term disability because of post-traumatic stress brought on by my daily commute…

 

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 Posted on : May 22, 2014
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