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On Saturday I went to the dentist to have my tooth prepped for a crown.

I went in feeling fairly calm because I knew I’d be sedated since both my dentist and I refused to entertain the idea of another round of un-sedated dental work since freezing just doesn’t seem to work on me.

She decided to give me a double dose of sedation this time in hopes of keeping me asleep even if the freezing was wearing off since I have in the past woken up and started batting her hand away because of the pain.

I was supposed to be out of there by 11:15 (I started at 9:15am), but when I started to wake up because the assistant/dentist kept coming into the room and telling me to open or to bite, it was just after 12.

I’m not sure why I ended up being there so long and was obviously too drugged up to remember any explanations, but according to my phone, I texted my daughter at 12:30 the following: “Yhinnk nm im doneip” which could only mean “I think I’m done” because obviously in my drugged up state I didn’t trust the dental office to call her about picking me up.

I remember her coming into the room and helping with my jacket.

She said I went to the bathroom before we left, and that I was in the bathroom forever. I can only assume I stood staring at the toilet for a good ten minutes wondering why the hell I was having my dental procedure in the bathroom. I’m actually shocked she let me go in alone since I could have easily drowned myself.

Once home, I only remember snippets of life.

One was putting on a sweater (she took video’s AGAIN!!!). I put it on in a painfully slowly and hysterically funny way, looking like I was trying to swim my way out through an ocean of material.

Far be it for my darling child to help; Instead she stood taping it and shaking the camera because she was laughing so hard.

When I finally achieved my dressing goal (after a full five minutes), I touched the cuff of my sleeve and looked up at her to complain that it was wet and I wanted another sweater.

Off came that one, slowly…and on went another that was dry. Wet cuffs simply won’t do.

The funny part of my dressing experience was that I was putting my sweater on one sleeve at a time, OVER MY HEAD as if it was a pull on.

It had a zipper!

This is obviously what made my child almost have an aneurysm from laughing so hard.

After getting the damn sweater on, I started eating my frozen yogurt (Menchie’s) that I made my daughter get for me on the way home. It took forever and I kept falling asleep just before each bite (again I know this thanks to my daughters evil need to videotape me after each dental experience).

At one point I was fighting with a piece of brownie in the container for about three minutes straight trying to cut it in half. When I finally managed it, I sighed in relief and promptly fell asleep because it had obviously taken far too much effort and had completely exhausted me.

One of my drugged up conversations with my daughter (who loves to get me talking when I’m that stupid), was about chickens.


Me: I wonder what people-wings taste like.

Jenna: People wings?

Me: Yeah…cuz…

Jenna: Mom, wake up…people wings?

Me: …because when all the chickens are gone…we’ll have to eat people right?…

Jenna: We will?

Me: …or we’ll be hungry. So we won’t have chicken-wings anymore…

Jenna: And???

Me: …and we’ll have to eat people-wings. I wonder if they taste good. I don’t want to eat butts though because that’s gross.


Because obviously when the chickens become obsolete, the next logical option will be feasting on each other. At least I have limits on what kind of people-parts I’ll eat though.

I wonder about my sanity level sometimes…and my carnivorous nature.

Thank goodness I didn’t try to dine on my dentist while her fingers were conveniently in my mouth (people-fingers anyone?)

I think it’s now painfully clear to my vegetarian daughter that I’d resort to eating human’s before becoming a vegetarian.

I strongly recommend NOT texting people when you are drugged up. It couldn’t possibly end well.

The night before, I had gone to see a movie with a few friends and had been drinking a little. My fear was that maybe the alcohol would have thinned my blood too much and I would have bled to death during my dental work the next day.

It was obviously a bigger concern than I had thought because this was the conversation the next day when a friend texted me to see how I liked the movie:

photo (1)











Thankfully this conversation had nothing to do with ripping apart and eating other human beings, but I really don’t recommend texting while sedated.

I should probably warn my dentist to guard her fingers very carefully the next time I’m in there.

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 Posted on : March 18, 2014
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