dream fears

Wanted: Boyfriend solely for night time monster protection.

So today, as I was sitting in bed, minding my own business, typing away on my laptop, not bugging anybody, my computer suddenly spelled out “HAHAHAHA” as I was typing a sentence.

Now my first thought, which happened before I could properly transition my brain from ‘horror writing’ to reality, was that my computer was possessed.

I should explain.

Very suddenly this morning, I woke up completely alert, eyes as wide as they could possibly get (because we all know the wider you can make your eyes go in the dark, the better you can see in complete blackness).

Reaching toward my bedside lamp I quickly switched it on, half expecting to have my hand grabbed by some evil, cold, unseen monster.

Blessed light flooded the room and just about blinded me, because as I mentioned before, my eyes were as wide open as I could possibly make them without actually using my fingers.

Letting out a huge sigh of relief, I picked up my iPhone to check the time.

I’m not superstitious, and I don’t REALLY believe in scary ghost-like things (too much), so why I insist on checking the time when I wake up in the middle of the night, I’ll never know.

Without fail it always ends up being about 3am, which as we all know is the witching hour and bad news. It’s like I am somehow compelled to confirm to myself that ‘Yes, I should indeed be very freaked out because once again it’s 3am’.

Well last night took the cake!

It was 3:33am.

So now I had triple the reason to be completely freaked out.

Just wonderful!

Despite the fact that the light flooding the room was so bright it would blind a blind man, my eyes once again opened up as wide as dinner plates as I put the phone back on the nightstand with a trembling hand and slowly looked around.

Since my ex husband and I separated, I have become alarmingly aware of one thing in particular. I am a complete chicken sh$t when I’m alone at night!!!

Something I also noticed recently is that when someone is scared and looking around them…they always do it in slow motion.

Now you’re sitting there thinking… “Hey…that’s so true.”

Wouldn’t it make far more sense to quickly jerk your head about, looking everywhere at once so that the job is done at mach speed, saving you from certain death?

It’s like we think by going slowly, the ghost-like creatures staring at us won’t notice.

Did she see us? No, no, my mistake, she’s just casually looking around…it’s all good.”

Now I didn’t mention this yet, but I had to pee pretty badly at this point but there was absolutely no damn way I was anywhere near ready to put my feet off the side of my bed yet, because that meant it would be hovering beside the abyss where the evil under-the-bed monsters lay in wait.

I may come across as a strong, confident woman in the bright light of day, able to take on anything and anyone at a moments notice, but honestly, put me in a room alone at night after a nightmare or waking up suddenly at 3:33am and I turn into the most pathetic wimp you could ever imagine. I’m seriously considering having a boyfriend ONLY so that he can protect me from the night.

What an interview that would be huh?

Me: “Ok handsome guy who looks strong enough to take on monsters that may or may not be hiding under my bed, what kind of qualifications do you have?”

Potential protector boyfriend guy: “Monsters?”

Me: “Answer the question!”

Potential protector boyfriend guy: “Uhhh…I’m a black belt in karate?”

Me: “Is that a question or a statement?”

Potential protector boyfriend guy: “Statement?”

Me: “What is this, twenty questions? My monster would eat you for lunch!”

Potential protector boyfriend guy: “You have a monster? I’m confused.”

Me: “Enough! Be gone! Next…”


Ok so on second thought, maybe having a boyfriend solely for monster-fighting isn’t the most sane idea I’ve ever had. I’ll keep thinking.

Now where was I?

Oh right…my possessed computer.

So it laughed at me for some odd reason, but once I yanked my brain out of ‘horror writing’ mode and back into reality, I figured I must have somehow spelled the “HAHAHAHA” by accident because I was typing so fast and not paying attention…because I had maybe thought of something funny during my horror scene??? *shrug*

Two seconds later as I continued to type, my demon computer suddenly spelled out “LOL”.

Let’s keep in mind the 3:33am incident this morning.

I calmly sat back, took my computer off my lap, put it on the blanket in front of me and sat glaring at it, daring it to laugh again so that I could be properly terrified and fling it across the room to be smashed into a million billion pieces.


Not even a tiny giggle.

Suddenly…out of the blue, I remembered telling my sixteen year old daughter about my morning scare.

Yelling her name (and praying I was right), I waited for her to come to my room.

In she walked with a grin on her face.

Me: “Did you mess with my computer?”

Jenna: “Yes” *GRIN*

Me: *shaking head and pretending to be annoyed* (but secretly so incredibly thankful that I wasn’t going to need to fork out a thousand bucks for a brand new – not broken into a million billion pieces – computer).

The child had messed with my auto correct options so that when I spelled a certain word, it auto corrected it to HAHAHA or LOL. Genius really if you think about it…you know…when you’re NOT recovering from a 3:33am scare!!!

Letting the incident go because I had so much to do, I continued on and she went to bed for the night.

At around 10pm I got up to pee, and as I walked to the toilet I noticed a roll of packing tape on the toilet paper roll and a scary picture beside it with the words “Let’s play a game”.

Oh now she had gone too far.

I remembered earlier that day when she had mentioned being scared of the girl from the movie “The Ring”. You know the one with her hair in front of her face? She said she saw the picture of her on Tumblr last night and was freaked out which made falling asleep somewhat difficult.


Being the wonderful mother that I am, I promptly printed out the focus of my daughters terror and snuck downstairs to tape it to her closed door so that when she opened it, ‘terrifying-girl-with-the-hair‘ would be staring into her face. MUAHAHAHA!!!!

Jenna somehow heard me as I quietly taped the picture to her door, but had no idea what I was doing, so she opened her door and looked at me suspiciously.

I waited.

After a moment, in her peripheral vision she noticed something not quite right with her white door and turned her head.

Scary picture

I am not proud of my actions tonight. But I admit I’m still giggling at her scream.

Ahhh yes…revenge is sweet.

There’s only one teeny, tiny issue now.

While searching the internet for that particular picture, and looking at it while getting it ready to print, and while writing my blog, I seem to have gotten the image stuck in my own head.

Wonderful 🙁










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