I’ve been awake for exactly 3 hours now and I’ve already yelled “Jumanji” twice!
My days are usually very calm and happy, but very, very rarely I wake up and it immediately starts out as a giant sh*tshow from hell and doesn’t stop until bedtime. I do NOT enjoy those days.
First of all, both my girls had their morning school alarms snoozing about a million times, waking ME up every single time.
Then my 15 year old was late for her first class of the second semester, and when she did finally make it TO HER BEDROOM FOR HER ONLINE CLASS (how are you even late for that???), she finds out that she was accidentally put into a grade 12 Psychology class instead of that grade 9 Computer technology class so it took 15 minutes for me to sort it out.
When I went to the kitchen to fill the kettle so I could make myself oatmeal and coffee for breakfast, the water cooler (that filters the water) was empty because one of them forgot to refill it, so I had to wait for the water to drip through slowly before I could fill the kettle.
Waiting for my coffee did NOT improve my mood. One does not just delay morning coffee and expect a cheery disposition.
While I was waiting for the water to fill up, I decided to deposit a chq into my bank account through my phone. Well that was definitely NOT the right thing to do before coffee!
I normally use finger recognition to open the app.
Today the app decided it would be the perfect day to f*ck with me and disabled finger recognition, making it necessary for me to attempt to remember my password in my un-caffeinated state.
I entered my password and it said, “You seem to be having trouble with your password. If you can’t remember it, you can use the ‘I forgot my password’ link at the bottom of the login page.”
I KNOW I entered it correctly, but just to be safe, I checked where I keep my passwords.
Yup…it was the same one, so I tried again.
Glaring at the phone, I decided to try one more time.
This time when I went to try, it decided it was REALLY going to be an a**hole and make me enter the card number too.
Well F*CK you and the horse you rode in on!!! Do I look like I have the patience for this? Do you not understand that I have NOT had my coffee yet you stupid app? I could just delete you, you know! I’m not going to delete you because it would make my life harder, but I COULD delete you if I wanted to which is the point, so DON’T…TEST…ME…
…said I under my breath so my children’s teachers wouldn’t hear me screaming like a psychopath.
I took a deep, nowhere-close-to-calming breath and noticed that now the app wanted to see a picture of the front of my card to prove that I really had the card I was trying to access info for.
God grant me patience.
I allowed it to take a picture of the front of the card so it could enter the card number itself because it obviously didn’t trust me to do a simple frigging thing like that with my own bloody card. It obviously thought I was a moron since I couldn’t remember my own password, so I guess it felt like it should help me out *grumble, grumble*
It finally allowed me to enter my password.
“You seem to be having trouble with your password. If you can’t remember it, you can use the ‘I forgot my password’ link at the bottom of the login page.”
OH MY GOD!!! I SWEAR I’M GOING TO THROW YOU INTO THE BOG OF ETERNAL STENCH THEN FISH YOU OUT AND THROW YOU IN TWICE MORE!!! *angry breathing*
*slowly reaches over and clicks the ‘forgot my password’ link with barely restrained anger and a severely contorted face that almost melts the phone from my hands*
It emails me a verification code that I have to enter in, then asks me to enter the new password that I’d like to use.
I decided to enter the very same password it said didn’t work.
Wait for it…
“This was your last password, please enter a new one.”
“WHAT………THE…….ACTUAL……F*CK???? I TOLD YOU IT WAS THE RIGHT DAMN PASSWORD! I TOLD YOU, I TOLD YOU, I TOOOOOLLLLLDDDDD YOU!!! BUT NOOOOOOOO, YOU KEPT SAYING ‘you seem to be having trouble with your password,’ YOU DAMN LIAR!!!!!!!!!! YOU’RE JUST DOING THIS TO MESS WITH ME! YOU KNEW I DIDN’T HAVE MY COFFEE AND MY KID WAS LATE TO CLASS AND THERE WAS NO WATER IN THE DAMN WATER COOLER AND MY DREAM OF GERARD BUTLER WAS CUT SHORT (a bit off topic but I was mad so I threw it in)…SO YOU THOUGHT, ‘Oh yes…THIS would be the perfect time to totally screw with her!’ AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!”
I stared at that damn app for about 5 minutes straight trying to decide if the inconvenience of having to get up and go to my bedroom to do my banking on the computer was worth it or not.
The app won.
I took some deep breaths, begged every single calming force in the Universe to slap me in the face…then proceeded to deposit my money and e-transfer rent to my landlord.
The moment I did the e-transfer of over a thousand dollars and clicked to go back to the screen that showed my accounts and balances, the screen said, “I’m sorry, we are experiencing technical difficulties…please try again later.”
I closed my eyes…
Took a deep breath…
Tried my best not to immediately kill my phone…
Then wondered what the hell I was to do if that extreme amount of money was now lost in the great beyond. When would I even know if it was truly lost or not…and should I now call my landlord to let him know life (and my phone app) was bitch-slapping me at the moment so I may have temporarily “misplaced” the rent money? I mean it’s not like he’d believe the truth that my banking app was somehow now a sentient being and clearly trying its best to drive me off the deep end…and it also stole my rent money.
After forcing myself to breathe calmly for a few minutes, I clicked the ‘Accounts’ button again and praised every single God and supreme being alive when my actual account balance showed up (well…sort of praised them…I mean my bank balance wasn’t exactly something to rejoice about or anything), and upon further investigation, my e-transfer to my landlord also showed up.
I was now thoroughly terrified to even get off the chair I was sitting upon in case doing that somehow started the ‘Butterfly Effect’ on the rest of my life in the most terrifying of ways.
I finally did convince myself to move when my stomach threatened to start eating me from the inside out, and proceeded to make my breakfast.
While I was in the middle of making it though, my awesome ADHD chose to kicked in and I remembered that I hadn’t taken my morning meds yet, so I went into my bedroom to take it.
When I got to my room, I suddenly remembered that it was Monday and I hadn’t refilled my meds for the week the previous night like I usually do, so it was empty. So now I had to refill them all.
After doing that, I luckily remembered again that I still had to take my meds, so I got ready to take them but then saw my bottle of water on my headboard was empty, so I put my meds on my headboard and took my water to the water cooler which was now filled, and refilled the water bottle.
While there, I saw that I forgot to make my coffee, so I made it and brought it into my bedroom with my water bottle.
Then my alarm on my phone went off as it does at a certain time every morning to remind me to take my meds, which was good because I had already completely forgotten the reason I went to fill my water bottle in the first place.
So I put my coffee on my headboard, took my meds with my water, put my laptop on my bed then got into bed again to do some writing on the laptop.
Then…I remembered that I had completely forgotten my breakfast which was still in the kitchen.
I put the laptop aside, slide off the bed (it’s really high), walked out of bedroom where I encountered my 12 year old who hugged me good morning, and in the process managed to kick the exact toe I had kicked a step with the day before and ripped half my nail off of.
FULLY AWAKE NOW…WHO NEEDS CAFFIENE ANYWAY (just have children).
I held back every single curse word in my vocabulary, limped to the kitchen, got my oatmeal, limped back to bed with breakfast, pathetically mountain climbed back into my extremely high bed while severely injured, and ate my breakfast.
The rest of the day went surprisingly ok except that when I went out to pick up more books from school for my kids online classes, my middle daughter texted me saying, “MOM the toilet is smoking, what do I do?”
I was in the school parking lot sitting in the car on hold with the schools secretary at the time, frantically texting my daughter trying to figure out what was going on and exactly how on earth a toilet could be smoking.
She texted me to call her. I said I was on the phone. She said get off and call.
Well NOW I knew it was serious…and was just about to hang up (still on hold) and go racing home when another text from her comes through and I quickly check it…
I turned to my mom, showed her the picture, and asked…
“Mom…why are my children like this?”
She laughed her ass off for a good five minutes before answering me. You know what her reply was???
“Because you’re their mom!”
Well, I guess I can’t argue with that. It’s not exactly a hardship to have happy kids with a good sense of humor. I’ll take that over kids who are always angry, grumpy or causing problems at school any day.