scared child

False teeth folly

Wow I’ve been seriously busy lately trying to pack since my house has just been sold, but I had a few moments to spare so thought I’d regale you with a story about something funny, and no doubt traumatizing, that happened to my two youngest daughters the other day.

My ninety one year old grandfather was over to visit his great grandchildren and I because he’s leaving for Edmonton soon to visit my aunt for the next six months.

My story starts the morning after he got here when we sat down for breakfast at the ungodly hour of 7:30am. Sadly for me, grandpa and the kids are all early risers, and since the little ones are too young to make their own breakfast…and grandpa is too…ummm…elderly, I decided to wake up early to get things going.

Let me set the stage here first. I have a huge window in my dining room that faces the road at the front of the house. My girls sit with their backs to the window so that grandad can sit opposite them and have a nice view to keep him occupied.

Everything was going fantastically at first. I made oatmeal for everyone – instant of course since I wasn’t fully awake at that hour, so not about to use the stove for fear of burning some part of the house…or my hand. Yes this has happened before. Mornings and I don’t mix very well.

So anyway, I brought the bowls of oatmeal to the table along with some fruit, and sat down with my coffee to watch everyone eat.

It was at this point I noticed that my grandad had forgotten to put his teeth in (the melon would have been a little difficult to chew due to the lack of chompers).

Resting my coffee on the table I said, “Oh grandad, your teeth aren’t in.”

Smacking his gums together – and looking slightly surprised – he agreed that they were indeed mysteriously absent.

Hearing a clank of a spoon against a bowl as I stood up to get his teeth for him, I quickly glanced toward my girls to make sure they weren’t spilling anything, and stopped short.

My little ones, Lexi and Skyler, are four and six, and they were both staring silently at their great grandads toothless mouth in shock, no doubt wondering where the hell his teeth might have fallen out, and how the hell he didn’t notice this event occurring.

Skyler actually had food in her open mouth, completely forgotten, as she focused on her great grandfathers mouth with a look of increasing concern on her face.

As I was about to reassure the girls, Lexi whispered loudly, “Mommy! What happened?”

Struggling desperately to hold back the laughter that was threatening, I answered that grandpa forgot to put his teeth in.

Skyler, not daring to look away from granddads toothless grin for fear he might try gumming her to death, also whispered, “But how did he get them out?”

“Well,” I started, considering my options. “When people get old…er, their teeth fall out and the dentist makes them pretend teeth so they can still chew their food.”

Grandad looked at me, smacked his lips again, and grinned. I coughed loudly to cover my laughter and continued.

“Grandad puts a special glue on his pretend teeth to keep them in his mouth.”

I wasn’t even sure if the girls were hearing me anymore or if they had gone into shock at this point since they were both back to staring at him open-mouthed.

Thinking I had better get granddads teeth before they really freaked out, I went to the bathroom, got them ready, came back to the table, and handed them to him.

It was suddenly clear that grandad, bless his humor-filled soul, didn’t quite understand the effect his toothlessness was having on the girls. Before I could stop him, he held his teeth in front of him and made pretend biting motions while moving them toward his great grandchildren.

This may have possibly been the WORST decision of the old man’s life!

Not only did the girls chairs hit the wall behind them at record speed, but they somehow managed to stand on their chairs instantly as well, letting out matching high pitched screams while trying to make their way through the solid window.

I am pretty damn sure that if that window could open I would have no doubt found myself running down the street after them as they raced away from the evil, child-eating teeth.


Oh my poor, poor, traumatized girls.

As I went to calm my terrified children, I saw grandad quickly stuff his teeth into his mouth, obviously realizing he had just contributed to years of nightmares.

I’m happy to report that although the girls stayed far, FAR away from grandad and his teeth that day, they did finally forgive him for trying to eat them and even gave him a quick hug goodbye when he left.

All’s well that ends well right?

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