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The Khaos Chronicles

Day 1 (Monday Aug 10th)

11 am: Picked up our new 8 week old puppy, Khaos. She was completely calm after initial two minutes of whining and ended up sleeping on Jenna the rest of the one hour drive home. I’m in love!

3 pm: Jenna thinks puppy shouldn’t sleep so much because it interferes with cuddle time. Impatiently waits for her to wake up.

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5 pm: Had previously told boyfriend that puppy would be a complete angel, calm, and easy to train because I had read a crapload of books on puppy training and was now a pro. Boyfriend rudely suggested I was on drugs. Turns out puppy IS an angel. In your face boyfriend!

Day 2 (Tuesday Aug 11th)

7 am: Last night Khaos only whined for 5 minutes before going to sleep like a champ in her cage beside my bed then only woke once at 3:30am to pee outside. After that she whined for a minute again before settling back down to sleep until boyfriend got up at 6:30am.

10 am: Boyfriend keeps smiling and shaking his head. I think he’s planning something.

12 pm: Neither boyfriend nor Jenna have to work today so we are taking turns potty training, snuggling, and playing with Khaos. I decided there would be a small portion of yard where Khaos would be allowed to pee and poop so as to protect everyone from poopy shoes in the future and so the kids would be able to roll around and play on the grass without fear of becoming a poopsicle.

1 pm: Update: Khaos does not agree with this poop-area plan and has launched a protest in the way of refusing to poop until momentarily released into the rest of the yard to play. Speed at which poop exits bum is extraordinary. Starting to suspect boyfriend is training her to do this behind my back.

Day 3 (Wednesday Aug 12th)

7:15 am: Last night puppy howled in her cage at bedtime for 12 minutes straight. Thinks she’s a wolf. Boyfriend and Jenna both work today so I am home alone with her for the first time. Boyfriend said she pooped in poop-area this morning. Might have reacted prematurely yesterday when accusing him of poop sabotage.

9 am: Puppy won’t stop squeaking the one damn squeaky toy she has. Slowly going insane.

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9:30 am: Took squeaky toy away before brain exploded. Half an hour is enough damn it! Puppy has since been manically moving from object to object biting things and looking at me as if to say “Can I bite this? How about this? This? This? This? This? This? This? What about this?” Her own toys only end up in her mouth 10% of the time.

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Starting to suspect she is actually highly intelligent and playing with my mind.

10 am: Decided to get myself a snack. Blocked puppy into the living room with couch and other assorted items. In the five seconds it took to round the corner from the living room to the kitchen where I could see her again, ninja dog jumped onto the couch, unpaused my Netflix show, and started drinking my coffee. Apparently believes she’s people.

Ran back to living room in time to catch crazed puppy as she soared off the back of the couch in a bid for freedom.

Can physically feel sanity slipping. Feels like chasing a toddler on crack!

Tried explaining to puppy that she needs to calm the fuck down.

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Kept staring at her so she’d understand that I AM THE DAMN BOSS!

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I think she’s mocking me.

12pm: My 7 & 9 year old who rotate between my ex husband and I for 2 weeks at a time during the summer, arrive suddenly to see puppy. Spent next 20 minutes in complete chaos while puppy peed in the house not once…but twice, kids ran around asking a million questions, and I tried to get puppy’s lunch sorted out while eating my own before it got cold.

Did sanity ever really exist or was that a figment of my imagination? Must keep all of this from boyfriend…under no circumstances can he know he was right. Puppy keeps giving me side-eye like she’s planning something.

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12:30 pm: Puppy is purposely torturing me with squeaky toy again. Must destroy squeaky bit (Note: Blame it on puppy).

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1 pm: Puppy is once again being manic and attempting to destroy me. Keeps biting every frigging thing in sight while looking DIRECTLY INTO MY EYES!!! Have said “OFF!” so many times the word sounds weird. Is OFF even a word or did I make that up in my mind? Must figure this out before boyfriend gets home so he doesn’t think I’m crazy.

3 pm: Puppy just fell asleep as boyfriend returned from work. Convinced now she is actually an evil genius out to get me! Scared to allow her to sleep because all I can think is “She’s recharging!”

6 pm: Joined boyfriend outside for a much needed drink while he had puppy tied in her poop-area awaiting the inevitable. She just lazed around calmly as if enjoying the weather. I untied her to let her run a bit and she got ten feet away and immediately squatted. Grabbed her as poop started exiting her rear end. She somehow sucked poop back inside and after I re-tied her in the poop-area, she lay down and yawned as if she never had to go in the first place. Damn dog is messing with me. I WILL win dog; you can’t hold it in forever!!!

8 pm: Decided to go hang out with friends at a lounge while boyfriend watches the dog because an alcohol induced haze may be the only way I get through this damn potty training insanity. Boyfriend blissfully unaware of my fragile grip on sanity.

Day 4 (Thursday Aug 13th)

7:15 am: Puppy woke up at 5:30am to pee then howled for two minutes before going back to sleep. Boyfriend decided to wake her up at 7am before leaving for work to see if she needed to pee again. Why boyfriend? Why? Why U no let her sleep? Now I’m awake at an ungodly hour and grumpy. Puppy thinks this is funny and keeps trying to trip me.

8 am: Turned away for 2.5 seconds while getting puppy’s breakfast ready and she speed-pooped in kitchen. Almost twisted ankle jumping to avoid squishing it. How the hell did she develop such superb speed-pooping skills? Suspicious of boyfriend again. What the hell did he teach her while I was out with friends last night?

8:30 am: Manic puppy again. I swear she’s doing this on purpose. She has six toys and only eats EVERY OTHER FRIGGING THING IN THE LIVING ROOM when she’s in this state. She even tried to eat my hair when I picked her up to try cuddling her into submission. When that didn’t work, she licked my face off while whipping me to death with her tail. I’m onto her game now…first she tortures me to the point of insanity then melts me with love and kisses so I forget to be mad. Currently sitting in front of me with dinosaur in mouth trying to look cute and it’s working damn it! Took picture to prove to boyfriend how evil she really is.

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9 am: Jenna volunteered to watch puppy today so I could get work done. Yippeeeeeee! Acted calm and slightly sad that I had to leave puppy so as not to raise suspicion.

2 pm: Jenna went to bathroom after bringing puppy back inside the house from her latest pee trip. Left puppy for 1 minute in blocked off area and when she got back puppy had peed on the special ‘pee mat’ we have for her. It looks like fake grass. Acting like an angel for Jenna.

3 pm: Walked into kitchen and Jenna said “I don’t know why you think she’s so difficult…she’s being great!” (Note: Switch Jenna’s vegetarian lunch meat to real meat).

3:45 pm: Five minutes after I left the kitchen, Jenna started yelling “OFF!” over and over and over and over for half an hour straight and then puppy peed in living room. Muahahahaha! Vindicated!

6 pm: Suspect puppy has ADHD. Too distracted to eat properly unless tied within three inches of food bowl.

11:30 pm: Puppy only whined for a minute on and off at bedtime. Finally free. Feel like partying but too exhausted. Must sleep.

 

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