Tanning bed torture

A couple days ago I decided to start tanning so that when I get to my goal weight this Christmas and take an ‘After’ pic, I’m not blinded by the fluorescent whiteness of my tummy.

Yesterday was my first appointment, so I showed up, was given a quick rundown about how to use the tanning bed, then was left in a small rectangular room to get naked and proceed with my mission.

After ridding myself of clothing while repeatedly glancing at the ceiling and the walls that ended about a foot below it (I’m not sure what I expected to find…maybe a periscope of some sort peering over it at my bright white nakedness), I turned on the fan at the foot of the tanning bed and cautiously lay myself down on the Plexiglas type see-through material that covered the long tubes of treacherous looking bulbs.

I have to admit, before lying down I did stare at the surface I was to lie on for a few minutes trying to decide if it was indeed a good idea to lay myself down there and risk ‘death by broken bulbs and electrocution’.

You see, the problem with having a mind like mine is that I can make any situation feel like it’s the WORST FREAKING IDEA ON EARTH!!!

After valiantly convincing myself that I would not meet an untimely death in the tanning room, I VERY CAREFULLY lay down on the bed and took a few deep breaths, waiting for the moment I was to go crashing through it.

After a few seconds of surviving intact, I realized that I was a little too far down.

I should explain (to those of you smart enough to avoid tanning beds) that when you tan…you definitely do it naked…and trying to scooch your nakedness along Plexiglas isn’t the easiest thing in the world and actually causes it to creak and make all kinds of terrifying noises.


I knew for sure the lady who was at the front desk was right outside my room with her phone making a Facebook recording of me shakily begging the bed not to break while I made horrible squeaking noises and grunts.

After scooching to the appropriate spot and breathing a sigh of relief, I carefully put one of my eye protectors on then held the other just above my other eye while looking for the red button I was supposed to push to start the bed.

The woman made such a point of making sure I had my eye protectors, even asking to see them, that I knew without a doubt that if I accidentally looked into the bulbs while pressing the button I’d be blinded for life.

Not willing to risk permanent visual impairment, I hovered my finger over the button before carefully laying my head down and put the eye protector on my naked eye…and pushed.

Naturally, as I did that, my other eye protector fell off, and in a moment of pure panic I kept my eyes shut and scrambled around with my hands trying to find it beside my head where it fell.

This was it…I was to be blinded forever because the stupid eye protectors are dumb enough to be made to sit stupidly on your eyes ALL BY THEMSELVES without any string or anything holding them onto your bloody head.

It took a few seconds to calm down enough to realize it was still pretty dark despite the fact that my eyes were closed.

I had totally missed the button with my finger so the lights hadn’t even turned on.

I had totally been panicking like a crazy woman for absolutely no reason.

Not only that, I had forgotten to pull the top of the tanning bed down on top of me.

At this point I was pretty damn sure that if front-desk lady HAD been filming this little scene with her periscope over the not-quite-to-the-ceiling walls, she was more than likely flat on her back now laughing her ass off at the naked woman freaking out on an unlit tanning bed with one eye protector beside her head and the other inside her mouth, hanging on to the edges of the bed like a frigging octopus so that she wouldn’t go crashing through onto the stupid bulbs.

Life is way too much for me sometimes!

It took about another minute for me to calm the hell down so that I could try again. Once I had gotten my heartbeat back to a reasonable two million beats per minute, I once again lay back down on the bed of death, placed one finger on the red button, careful as hell not to turn it on before I was ready, balanced the stupid eye protectors on my eyes, then reached up blindly to pull the top of the bed down.

Before I could properly panic about feeling claustrophobic inside the machine, I squeezed my eyes to make damn sure they were shut properly, and pushed the button.

I immediately felt a bit of warmth, and even through my closed eyes and the protectors, I could see the blinding light around me.

In the seven anxiety ridden minutes of tanning that followed, I did my best to convince myself that I was lying in the sand at the ocean with the sun blazing comfortingly down on me. This sort of worked until I realized that my legs were shut tightly because I was so frigging tense.

As my mind pondered the logistics of the situation, I realized that I should probably open my legs slightly to make sure my inner thighs and calves didn’t end up with a white streak straight down them where my legs were plastered together.

Yes, at this point I was totally sure I’d end up with a golden bronze tan despite being fluorescent white.

I put my legs into a diamond kind of shape, once again wondering if periscope lady was having a field day with this image, until I realized the top of the bed effectively hid me from her.

Feeling confident enough that my naughty bits were hidden, I stayed in that position for a couple minutes before suddenly having the horrible thought that I would burn my bits that way.

It would totally be me to do something stupid like that and end up walking like a cowgirl for days after. Seriously how do you explain that one?


ME: “Oh nothing, just a sunburn.”

RANDOM STRANGER: “On your inner thighs?”

ME: “My va-jay-jay.”

*walk away like it was the most normal conversation on earth*


Could you imagine the thoughts going through that poor person’s head about the kinds of crazy upside down suntan techniques I must have used on the beach and why exactly I felt it necessary to tan my naughty bits?

I quickly shut my legs and continued to anxiously pray for the damn machine to finish its seven minutes of torture.

After what seemed like an eternity, the damn machine shut off so suddenly that I literally let out a small gasp and banged my head on the lid of the bed then immediately cringed waiting for the shattering of glass as it exploded on me and electrocuted me to death.

When nothing happened, I quickly flung the lid open and jumped out of the bed so bloody fast that I almost tripped and hit my head on the door which was only about two feet from the bed.

I almost kissed the ground in relief.

I swear to God that was the most harrowing experience of my entire life. Who the hell thought up these claustrophobic torturous machines of fake sunlight in the first place???

Oh and now my face, boobs, and tummy are mildly on fire because apparently seven minutes might have been a tad long for a virgin tanner.

I have another appointment tomorrow.



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