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Holy crap child!

Children are fun aren’t they?

In fact I find them absolutely hilarious when I’m trying to work and they realize that I absolutely DO want them to stick their precious little faces in front my laptop and disturb the crap out of me.

Not only that, I’ve found that they are always hungry for some odd reason, especially when I’m incredibly busy. It’s like they time it or something.

“Ooooh mommy looks SUUUUUPER busy…we must rebel RIGHT NOW!”

Today my kids were actually being strangely good. While I was working on my laptop, the 8 year old was in the living room watching a movie on the ipad, and the 6 year old was lying quietly-ish in bed beside me watching a movie on my tv. They enjoy ‘mommy work time’ mainly because that’s when I let them have unlimited tv time if they don’t feel like playing with their toys.

I usually wait until they are in bed to write, but sometimes life just doesn’t feel like compromising.

Todays’ writing experience was…ummm…I’m going to go with…fun (but I’m also making a hideous face that you can’t see right now so take that whole fun thing with a grain of salt)

Lexi was watching a Shrek show she had seen oooooh about a million times already and I was peacefully typing away and actually getting some work done. Granted the earplugs I was wearing and the rum cooler I was sipping on was helping a lot with the ‘peace’ part, but sometimes you simply need to work around obstacles to get sh*t done. That and it tasted really good.

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Anyway, things were going really well for a while…until she started to get all fidgety.

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I had just turned slightly and braced myself when she suddenly hopped up onto her knees and stuck her face into mine causing me to back up warily.

As she sat there rudely invading my bubble, I wondered what was going on in her little mind. I didn’t have to wonder long though, because suddenly she poked at my cheeks and asked, “Why do you have dots on your face?”

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The dots were, of course, freckles.

I don’t have many and they are very light, so the fact that she was noticing them at all proved how very much she thought I needed a break from my work. Here was the conversation:

LEXI: Why do you have dots on your face mommy?

ME: Cuz *looking at my laptop and typing in an effort to ignore her…hoping she would take the hint and go back to Shrek*

LEXI: But why?

ME: *sigh* I was bored last night and thought face-dots sounded entertaining, so I put them on.

I wonder sometimes if children of writers grow up with a whacked sense of reality. I’m sure their teachers just think ‘Oh how cute, she’s got such a vivid imagination’. Uh no teacher person…she totally thinks this sh*t’s all true because she believes all the crap that comes out of my mouth.

LEXI: *frowning* Why?

ME: Because chicken! (‘chicken’ being my answer to any and all questions my offspring’s ask when I’m trying to concentrate)

LEXI: Hey! I’m not a chicken, you can’t eat me up!

I ignored this hoping she would decide that she was in fact chicken and sit pondering the implications of such news. Instead she stuck her finger in my mouth.

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ME: *spitting finger out* Remove thy finger from my mouth minion!

LEXI: Nope! Eat it!

ME: *gagging as she shoves her finger straight into the dangly thingy at the back of my throat* QUIT IT CHILD!!!

Undaunted, she continued to poke at my closed mouth as I turned my head from side to side while still attempting to make sense of what I was typing.

Seeing that my chosen evasive maneuver wasn’t working very well, I decided to have some fun with her and suddenly spun around to face her, snapping my teeth as if I was going chomp her fingers off, and growling that I was going to eat her up.

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She jumped back in shock, and for a moment time stood still as she looked at me wide eyed, obviously wondering if she had finally pushed me over the edge and should jump off the bed and run screaming for her very life.

Sadly that only lasted about a millisecond before she giggled and stabbed me in the eyeball.

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I finally threatened not to take her swimming later and she immediately assumed her previous bored-watching-movies position and allowed me to finish what I was doing.

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I have to admit, although my kids are trying at times, they are also freaking hilarious and have the most insanely awesome sense of humor, so that really does make up for the occasional eyeball stabbing. I managed to squint my way through the next hour before giving up for fear that the constant tears dripping from my injured eye onto the keyboard would short circuit it somehow and be the cause of my ultimate demise.

We went swimming instead.

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