Dating! It’s a terrifying word to some and comes with all kinds of interesting and mind altering consequences.
If you’re going the internet dating route which, in my humble opinion, is far better than a blind date or meeting in a bar, you at least get to see what the person looks like in order to gauge attraction, and will get a list of their likes, dislikes, goals, and what they are searching for.
This is wonderful because you can just scroll through and weed out the ones that don’t match your preferences, saving both time and disappointment.
After all of that is said and done and you finally meet the man or woman you’ve been conversing with for a week or so, and decide that on top of being attracted to their personality, there is a great physical attraction as well, you think, “Hey I did it…happiness is now mine!”
Sadly that is not usually the case. It may be days, weeks, or even months before you realize that this picture of perfection you met isn’t as perfect as you once assumed he or she was. The shine will wear off at some point.
There may be little hints here or there that add up, or some huge unforeseen incident that scares the bejeezus out of you, causing you to drop everything and run for the hills in a flurry of panic.
Whatever it is, and however it ends, if you have already reached the point of ‘falling in love’, there is going to be pain. There really is no avoiding that unless you are a cold unfeeling robot of a person.
While some choose to dwell on the pain, listen to sad – cry me a river – songs, and repetitively, secretly stalk their ex (even if they are the one who broke up with the person), I have come to realize through trial and error that cutting off all contact completely is the only sure fire way of letting go of that pain quickly and moving on with your life. This doesn’t mean that I always do these things I speak of, but I am getting better at it.
This also doesn’t mean the pain you feel is any less than the ex-stalker’s, it just means that rather than taking months to move on and going back and forth…you might be lucky enough to get that ball rolling within a couple weeks or so. Of course that all depends on the length of time you were a couple, the strength of the bond you had, and how much you loved the person.
What I’ve found helps in my search for the right man is making a list after each breakup.
I focus on listing positive things I’d like to find in a man like kind, caring, a gentleman, respectful and completely accepting of myself and others etc. These are my ‘Must Have’ traits.
I don’t bother with looks or anything physical like that because if I don’t find his picture attractive to me, I simply move on to the next one.
My list is a decent length which means I am very selective when perusing those online sites and when I go on dates, but I know in the end that if I happen to be lucky enough to find a man who possesses all of my ‘must have’s’ AND the physical attraction is also there AND we get along great…and he feels the same about me of course…then I have hit the jackpot. I get closer and closer each time so there is hope.
I don’t think I’m deluding myself and making my ‘perfect for me’ man impossible to find because the traits I’ve listed are things I possess myself. Therefore there is already one person I know of who has all these traits, so the chances of finding another isn’t so impossible.
I think everyone should consider making a ‘Must Have’ list. Who knows…it might be very helpful in avoiding heartache and broken marriages.
The trick is not to go crazy with the list. Only list traits the person absolutely must have in order for you to consider a long term relationship with them. For example: If I met a man who was absolutely perfect for me in every way and had every single Must Have but one…let’s say he’s racist or homophobic…then that will immediately mean he’s off of my list of possibilities because being accepting of everyone is a requirement. Knowing my boyfriend is racist or disgusted by someone who is gay is NOT something I can live with.
So you get my point…Must Haves are serious things, not just insignificant, shallow things such as ‘He must laugh at my jokes’ or ‘He must always be on time’. So many people settle because they either think they are not good enough or that it’s impossible to find a man/woman with the important traits they desire. This leads to anger, resentment, and bitterness which will most likely lead to a breakup or divorce. The Must Have list at least reduces those chances by a good percentage.
For all you single people out there, why not try making your own Must Have list and sticking to it. Yes it may mean fewer dates, but that also means fewer wrong men in your life causing you aggravation and sadness on a daily basis. Seems a good trade off to me.
Of course it may take a week or so to figure out if the man possesses all of your Must Haves, but luckily most people don’t fall in love within a week so you should be just fine.
Why settle for ‘good enough’ when true happiness might be just around the corner ~ Kristy Pantin